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“why follow your dreams when you can follow me?”

Sully – 2022

the UPS guy steals a GTX 1650

Billy was a tireless UPS employee. He worked day and night to deliver packages around the small town of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. He had to wade through swamps, climb fences, and even tame wild dogs. The horrors of being a delivery man were every delivery man’s nightmare. One cloudy Tuesday, Billy had 15 packages to deliver. He sighed disdainfully. Yesterday, Billy had had to climb over a steel wire fence of a paranoid senior citizen just to deliver a water tooth flosser. Billy knew exactly what he was delivering to who. He knew the goings on of everyone in this town, just by the things they ordered online.

He knew that Ms. Schonker, the crazy cat lady, was actually making tens of thousands of dollars each month by selling her felines’ hairballs on the black-market web. Markus Petsol, a young engineer, was putting together a live atomic bomb, but he was baffling the FBI by ordering the parts on amazon separately. Billy didn’t even care that the whole town could be a radiative wasteland by the hands of 7-year-old Petsol.

It was 3 am when Billy woke up. He yawned, splashed cold water on his face from a bucket, and slipped on his UPS uniform. Billy lived under a bridge. He was homeless. Spending all his time devoted delivering packages had its consequences, like being booted out of his own apartment after telling the neighbors that the apartment super, Jimmyette, was actually bald, and she had been wearing wigs ever since she was 9 years old. Billy sighed and put on his delivery hat. It was important to maintain a clean form when you were delivering packages.

Then, Billy had a thought. It was quite an evil thought. He delivered the packages in this town. In fact, he was the only delivery guy for 50 miles. If he could just open one package a day, he could be the richest person in Florida! The people would never know what was going on. Half of their packages went missing in highway truck lootings anyways.

An hour later, Billy was driving around Canyan Estates, where he was to deliver 15 packages. Or so his iPad read. Half of the packages were to one address, a boy by the name of Sully. Billy scratched his head under his hat. He had never delivered packages to his boy, much less half of his order. A wide smile stretched across his face as he read the details of the packages delivered to Sully. They were computer parts. Each package to Sully had an average price tag of 15,000 dollars. Sully wouldn’t notice if his computer’s case, GTX 1650, and monitor failed to show up on his doorstep. He would get a refund anyways.

Billy cackled like a deranged ape as he delivered the packages, none of them to Sully, and skedaddled out of there. He silently thanked Sully. Billy had a computer to put together.


One response to “the UPS guy steals a GTX 1650”

  1. Don’t you know how hard the delivery employees work?


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